More Than You Know
by PaperballThoughts
Summary: Becky unexpectedly visits a feverish Adam to vent about the events following "Bittersweet Symphony Part. II", only to be silenced when her boyfriend reveals the reason behind his collection of long-sleeved shirts. BECKDAM / TWO-PART / ONESHOT
1. More Than You Know Part 1

**A/N: This is my first Beckdam/Degrassi related story, so if the characters seem ooc to you, I apologize.**

**_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Degrassi, nor am I affiliated with Epitome. If I did/was, Adam would still be alive._**

**~.~.~.~.~ **

**More Than You Know Part 1**

Adam was bored. Staying home and missing school was never fun if it involved a fever. He tried doing things around the house, but being sick didn't allow him to do much. He ruled out playing video games in the basement, when his leaking nose prevented him from using both of his hands to grip the controller properly. Practicing Whisper Hug songs was impossible, seeing as his weakened state barely allowed him to lift his bass guitar. He had even contemplated getting Drew to come over and keep him company, only to remember that his brother had finally come to his senses and would be back at school with everybody else.

Without much else left to do, Adam rolled around on his bed to reach for his cell phone hanging on the edge of his nightstand. His face fell upon noticing the lack of new text messages. He tried hard not to be too upset, but Becky _did_ promise to send him messages throughout the day, to keep him in the loop of any Degrassi related things he would be missing. To be honest, he didn't care much about the school, all he wanted was to be able to talk to her somehow.

He quickly sent another message to Becky before carefully setting his phone back down, and lay on his bed more comfortably. Since there wasn't anything he could do, he closed his eyes in an attempt to force sleep, wishing that by the time he woke up the sickness would have magically disappeared.

Right as he was finally reaching a sense of deep slumber, Adam's eyes jolted open at the sound of the doorbell ringing repeatedly. Knowing that he was home alone, he forced himself out of bed and slowly made his way down the stairs to the front door. He groaned in pain when he tripped in the foyer only then realizing that he reflexively dragged the duvet along with him to keep the himself warm.

Not even caring to check the peephole, Adam flung the door open, giving the person behind it a confused look.

"Becky? What are you… you're not in school?" He quickly checked the time on the clock by the door, "Are my eyes deceiving me? _My_ goody-goody girlfriend, Becky Baker, actually skipping school?" He said, sending a grin toward her.

Becky gently shook her head, quietly dismissing Adam's innocent quip. Adam, on the other hand, noticed the lack of smiles coming from his girlfriend, and immediately knew that something was off. Becky was slouched, her hands were fidgeting around the ends of her sleeves, and her face held an unclear mix of emotions. He rid himself of the duvet by letting it drop on the floor and quickly made his way to his girlfriend, who remained unmoving on her spot on the porch.

Even though the brisk February wind sent chills down his sickly body, he let her head drop to the crook of his neck, tenderly stroked her hair while his other hand held hers. "Shh… whatever it is, it's going to be okay," he softly whispered in her ear. He wondered what happened to make his usually cheery girlfriend to be so glum.

She let go of his hand to wrap her arms around his body and said, "Of all the days you get sick, you had to choose this one."

Adam chuckled through his clattering teeth, "Well, I didn't exactly reserve a specific date to get sick." He tried to keep the mood light, but was concerned for her unusual behavior. So he moved his hand to her chin and lifted her head so she could face him, "So, wanna tell me what happened to my beautiful smiling girl?"

"I just… I really wish you were at school today, that's all."

"Why? Did something happen?" He watched as Becky took a deep breath before answering his question.

"Um… One of the Ice Hounds, Campbell Saunders, he, uh…" She closed her eyes, and gripped Adam's hand tighter, "His body was found in the green house this morning… He— Adam, he committed _suicide_."

Adam slowly let go of Becky as his body steered itself back into the house. For the first time that day, his head spun for reasons that did not have anything to do with his fever. His body continued to navigate itself, and before he knew it he was sitting on the stairs. Through his trance, he briefly saw Becky follow him into the house, grabbed the duvet and wrapped it around his body before sitting next to him.

He didn't know what to do or say. He thought that feeling sad for the hockey player would be too much, since he didn't exactly know the kid. Feeling pity would be horrible, he didn't want to pity Campbell Saunders. Adam thought of the times he thought of ending his own life, prior to moving and getting a new start at Degrassi, and pity was definitely not one of the things he wanted people to feel about him. He didn't know what to feel about the situation at all.

Sure, he hadn't known Campbell Saunders personally, but he knew of a couple people who did. He thought of how Dallas must be feeling. He knew the two were fairly close, what with Dallas being the captain of the hockey team, and Adam knew he tried to keep a regular rapport with every single member of the team. Since Campbell was the youngest on the team, Adam knew that Dallas had taken the younger player under his wing. This must be traumatic news for him to take.

Adam also thought of his Whisper Hug band member, Maya Matlin. From what he knew, she was dating the hockey player. He didn't know much of the niner's relationship with Saunders, but it must have been meaningful enough for Maya to subtly dedicate the Whisper Hug performance at Battle of the Bands to her "boyfriend". Adam couldn't imagine what she could possibly be going through at the moment. He didn't even want to think of how he'd feel if he lost Becky that way.

He looked towards Becky, who had now stayed silent during his moment of daze, patiently waiting for him to react or say something. He couldn't quite read the expression on her face.

"Adam? Are you okay?"

"I, yeah…" He saw Becky looking at him with concern. It's just…Wow, yeah. It's all so surprising." What was he supposed to say at a time like this? "Are _you_ okay? You seemed really upset when you got here."

"I guess I'm alright now. I was shocked when Principal Simpson made the announcement, but I've had time to let the news sink in." Becky played with the buttons on her cardigan, trying to find a way to tell Adam the real reason behind her unexpected visit.

"Geez. I can't imagine how it must have been at school today. And to think I was actually missing it."

"It wasn't fun to be at school today. Spirit Week has been cancelled, tenners crying in the hallways. The Ice Hounds weren't their usual selves, and Mike Dallas…" She paused remembering the moment that happened before Dallas had a breakdown and broke the trophy case in the hallway. She decided to let the thought pass instead of talking about it "I don't think you would have liked it, Adam."

Adam shook himself of the shock and finally took a better look at his girlfriend. Despite the fact that she wasn't as bubbly as her normal self he still found her breathtakingly beautiful. She wore an all-orange outfit, which he assumed had something to do with her Spirit Week team color. Adam thought about telling her how stunning she looked but her constant fidgeting and her clear avoidance of eye contact reminded him that it wasn't the right moment to do so. He had a feeling that something else other than Saunders' suicide was disturbing her.

"Something's bothering you." He blurted out. When Becky didn't respond and seemed to be more interested with her sleeves, he took hold of her hands and intertwined their fingers. It must have been really important if she had a hard time opening up to him. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

Becky sighed and shook her head. She didn't know how to bring up her thoughts about Campbell Saunders to Adam, considering how her classmates reacted earlier on. "Well… I had a bit of a disagreement with some people today."

Adam didn't say anything and simply nodded, encouraging her to continue.

"I may have said something today that did not sit well with others." She knew she was skirting around the topic, but she feared Adam's judgment. She was used to having Degrassi students glare at her for being "Ms. Bible Thumper". Though she stood by her position regarding suicide, she couldn't bear the thought of disappointing Adam. It made her feel nauseous.

Before carrying on, she took a moment to search his eyes for reassurance. She looked deep into them for any sign that might soothe her worries. Instead she was greeted with what appeared to be concern etched on the lines forming around his eyes.

"Becks, just tell me what it is. You're starting to worry me."

Forgetting about her worries, Becky decided to let the words out. "People at school are avoiding me because I said suicide is selfish." It was only Adam, after all, he understood her better than anybody at school—no he understand her better than anybody in the world. "I just really don't understand why Campbell Saunders didn't ask for help." _Adam wouldn't be disappointed in me,_ she thought, _what if he even agrees with me on this?_ "He didn't even think of how his family might feel; what about his friends? Why didn't he talk to Ms. Sauvé?" She stood up from her perch on the stairs and started pacing in front of her boyfriend, fired up from her speech. "It was selfish, Adam. He could have easily gotten help, either from teachers, or his family, the hockey team. Instead he takes his life. _AT_ school of all places."

Adam was witnessing a side of Becky he though he wouldn't see again, at least not for a while. The last time he had seen her this headstrong about an issue was when she was planning on picketing the _Romeo and Jules_ play for having gay lovers as the principal characters. It honestly worried him. No, it _scared_ him. Not because Becky's old self was resurging, she had her beliefs and he respected that just as much as she respected and accepted his gender. He knew what came with being in a relationship with an extremely religious girl. He knew what he had signed up for, so it wasn't all that surprising to see it coming back.

Adam was scared because he empathized with Campbell Saunders. Having been a person who once contemplated suicide as well, he wasn't sure how to manage Becky's stance on the situation. He was scared because his girlfriend unintentionally berated something he had personally experienced. He was scared of what Becky might think of him if he ever told her the truth behind his affection for long-sleeved shirts. If he told her the truth about himself, would it be even more of a valid reason to dump him? Adam shook himself and thought, _if she didn't dump me knowing that I'm trans, why would she dump me for once having suicidal thoughts_.

"You know," He shifted out of the duvet, suddenly feeling hot and uncomfortable. "He must have been really sick to do what he did." Adam decided to settle on making Becky vaguely understand the notions behind suicide without having to confess his history.

"That's what everyone keeps on saying, but if he was so sick then how come he didn't get himself help? When someone gets a cold, they go to the doctor's, don't they?" Becky said, disappointed that she and Adam did not see eye to eye.

"It's not the same thing." Becky eyed him curiously, Adam ignored her look and said, "Uh… I researched it once," He knew he should have to lie about this but he felt he had to, "Apparently when people feel depressed, they um… don't realize they're depressed. That's why sometimes, or even most times, they need someone else's help to get through their troubles." Adam hoped that he was being vague enough without being too personal. The topic itself already hit close to home, so having to talk about it as if it had no effect on him was hard. Either way, he preferred having a hard time explaining it to Becky than explaining his own story. "When someone has a cold, they get obvious symptoms, so they see a doctor. When someone is depressed, they don't always know that they are."

"I don't know, he must have known somehow that he wasn't happy." Becky urged. "How else would others notice his sadness if he didn't know it too? This all doesn't make sense."

"It's a very complicated situation. You never really know what the person is going through unless they open up to someone."

"Campbell had friends, he had so many people he could have talked to."

"But that's the thing, he probably felt like no one would listen. Or maybe he thought no one would understand him enough to help him. Maybe he felt alone." Adam was exasperated. At this point his feelings were getting so personal that he couldn't tell whether Becky was purposely being stubborn, or if she really couldn't understand the basics of depression.

"Why does it sound like you're defending his actions? He still took his own life without any consideration of how others might be affected by it." Becky looked at him through narrow eyes. She defensively crossed her arms around her chest as the tension grew between them.

"I'm not trying to justify his actions," He sighed, "And I sure as hell am not saying it was the right thing to do either. I'm just saying that when things like that happen, there's usually more to it than what you think you know."

Becky silently took in Adam's words. A few minutes passed before she let her shoulders sag and ran a hand through her hair. She was tired of arguing with people about this, everyone clearly had different views on reality. More than that, she really disliked having a disagreement with Adam. The reason behind her visit was so Adam could comfort her about the clash she had with their classmates'. Although Adam took a gentler method and was more understanding of her beliefs, she did not expect to receive the same response from her boyfriend.

As she let their conversation replay in her mind, something sparked in her. Becky only then noticed how uncomfortable Adam seemed to be when he tried explaining depression to her. She initially thought that it might have been the coldness of the stairs, or his fever getting worse. But it was the way that he pulled on the sleeves of his sweater to cover his whole arm. There was something about the way he spoke in reference to Campbell Saunders' loneliness that sounded like someone speaking from personal experience. She let a brief suspicion cross her mind, but shrugged it off thinking that Adam wouldn't keep such a secret from her.

"How come you know so much about this?" She innocently asked, sitting back down next to him.

"I…" Adam didn't know what to say. His eyes momentarily shifted to his arms pondering the idea of revealing one of the most private parts of himself. Telling someone he was trans was one thing, but disclosing his past with self-harm was embarrassing. It was one of those things he wasn't proud of doing, but he couldn't always evade the reality of having done it in the first place.

He was afraid that Becky might push him to tell her, but instead she stood up, without letting go of his hand, and led them upstairs and into his room. Becky noticed how distressed Adam had become upon asking him the question and thought it must have been due to his fever. News of Campbell Saunders's death was taking a bigger toll on her boyfriend than she expected.

"Adam, you look really pale. When was the last time you took your medicine?" She placed a hand on his forehead and winced at the heat emanating from his body. Becky gently ordered Adam to go to bed, and wrapped him up in his duvet. When Adam ignored her question, she took it upon herself to make her way to the Torres kitchen to get Adam his medication along with a glass of water.

With all the talking they had done, Adam completely forgot he even had a fever. In all honesty, the fever was now lodged in the back of his mind. All he wanted to at that moment was to tell Becky the truth.

Adam took this short moment apart to decide whether he should inform Becky of his past. She knew of the bullying he had to go through involving Fitz and Owen, and being forced to use the _special_ washrooms. She also knew that his own grandmother had never met him as Adam, and how his birthday cards still addressed him as Gracie. Becky knew of the situation with his father, and how he stopped sending letters because "his little girl was no longer existed". Becky knew about much of the hardships he had to endure with being an FtM, but he never really completely told her of the severity of his struggles.

He wanted Becky to know every inch of his being, but that would never happen if he didn't open up to her. It was decided. He would tell Becky the truth.

**~.~.~.~**

**A/N: SOOO This story is getting longer than I wanted it to be, so I'm dividing it into two parts. Just to clarify some things, I am new to the whole Degrassi thing (I only started watching in the summer when a friend of mine got a role on the show and I was curious about his new ventures). I've caught up with all the episodes, and honestly s13 is the worst of them all. Beckdam fascinated me, and I was sad that Adam was killed off. But probably not as sad as most of you in the fandom, since I'm still a noob, and don't consider myself a Degrassian (not even a little bit). I initially considered to get die-hard Beckdam fans from tumblr to beta this story, but I decided against it and just settled with this. So I hope I portrayed the characters well enough to write this story, and that you don't bite my head off if I didn't do them justice. **

**Please Review!**


	2. More Than You Know Part 2

**A/N: Long overdue update. This goes out to everyone who read, favorited, followed this story, and shared it on tumblr.**

**_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Degrassi, nor am I affiliated with Epitome._**

**trigger warning: self-harm & depression **

**~.~.~.~.~ **

**More Than You Know Pt. 2**

Adam patiently waited for Becky to come back to his room. He didn't know why she was taking so long. Anxiety soon overcame his composure, so he slowly got off the bed to make his way toward the door, he needed to tell her now. Right as his hand touched the doorknob, the door opened and hit him on the shoulder.

"Adam, you're running out of flu medication, I think you need to—" Becky gasped, water from the cup spilling on her. "What are you doing out of bed? You're supposed to be resting!"

Ignoring the searing pain radiating from his shoulder, Adam took the pills and the glass from her hands to set them on his desk.

"Hey! You're supposed to be drinking that, silly." She looked at him curiously, watching him walk over to his closet, and he took out one of his shirts, then handing it to her. "What do you want me to do with this?"

"You got wet," He replied in a cool manner, "So, I thought you might want to change. I also wanted to talk to you about something after, ok?" He left his room before she could reply to his abrupt request.

Becky watched as her boyfriend walked out to give her some privacy while she changed. She felt her cheeks flush realizing just how much Adam's little gestures affected her. She quickly undressed, tossed her damp shirt in her bag, and slid herself into Adam's shirt. Other than occasionally borrowing his sweaters in class, this was the first time she completely wore something of his. Although the fabric smelled like laundry detergent, she could still feel the warmth and familiarity of being hugged by Adam just from wearing the shirt.

Once she was fully dressed, she let Adam back into his room forgetting he wanted to talk to her about something. "I like this shirt. Can I keep it?" she said and kissed his cheek.

Adam was so consumed by his thoughts he barely even reacted to Becky's playfulness, "Sure." He said nervously, "So um. I have something I really need to tell you now." He reached behind him to close the door. They were alone in the house, but he locked it just in case someone came home and walk in on them. This was not a conversation that could be interrupted, and one he hoped would not leave his room.

Becky immediately became alert seeing Adam's stern expression. "Okay… Should I be worried? Why did you lock the door?"

"Look, I just really need to get this out before I chicken out again." He blurted out. She stared at him blankly, unsure how to react. "Earlier when you asked me how I… How I knew about depression… I-It's because—" He shook his head, thinking that he should have probably planned out what to say.

Becky gently took his hands and led them to his bed. They sat quietly for a few moments, Adam in deep thought while Becky waited.

"Okay, I guess, before I start, I want you to know that I don't feel the way I used to anymore. So much has changed in my life and I don't think I could be any happier than I feel right now. I want you to understand that what I'm about to tell you is all in the past. So… I don't want you to worry, or at least try not to be. Because I promise I'm better now. Or, you know at least better than before." He looked towards her nervously, waiting for any sort of response.

"Knowing you, it can't be that bad right?" He winced at her choice of words. She really was oblivious to this part of his past.

"Becks, I…" He let go of her hand and pulled at his sleeves, rubbing the skin underneath the fabric. Adam knew he had to tell her soon or he would lose the courage to do so. It wasn't even that he was forcing himself to do it just to get it done. Adam really wanted Becky to know this about him. He trusted her. "Campbell Saunders and I… Um, we have something in common… Except he went the whole way and I was stopped before it could get worse." He averted looking in her direction, scared to read her emotions through her eyes.

"What do you mean?" Becky's eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"I want to be honest with you, because I feel like if I'm not… I just really need to tell you something." He closed his eyes, and hid his hands in his pockets. The room somehow got colder in a matter of seconds, it was either that, or his nerves made him shiver. "Earlier, when you said that suicide was _selfish_, you kind of hit a nerve. I mean— No. It's just… it hurt me when you said it was selfish, because I've been through that before." Adam opened his eyes, and finally dared to look into hers. He felt the need to hold her gaze as he said the next few words, "I-I've hurt myself before. And… I've also thought about suicide once."

Becky was at a loss for words, bewilderment finally fleeing her mind now that Adam made more sense. What didn't make sense, though, was _what_ he was saying. "But, you're one of the happiest guys I've ever met. You're always so positive and everyone loves you."

Adam smiled at her innocence but it didn't last long. Now that he had told her the truth, how was he supposed to explain everything else?

"Come on, Becks. Name me a person who's always happy and never gets upset?" Seeing that she couldn't think of an answer, he took that as his cue to continue. "You know, I haven't always been happy. I mean sure, no one is ever always happy. What I'm trying to say is…"

Adam sighed. He hated having to dig up old memories of feelings, especially this one. After all, there was a reason why he buried them away in the first place, but he knew that letting Becky in on his darkest secret was worth the trouble of remembering these things.

"When you have to live a life like mine," He started, "happiness is something you have to work extra hard for. Since people will have a hard time accepting you, you have to remind yourself to smile once in a while. But then… there are times when you're pushed so far to the edge that even a small smile wouldn't help. Even if you tried hard enough."

Becky stayed motionless on the bed; her fingers scratching an imaginary itch on her knee. She didn't know what to say, and even if she did she wouldn't know how to say it. Adam took her silence as an indication to keep going.

"So I… I guess one of the main reasons I did it was because I felt that if I continued being Adam, my true self, the people around me would never be happy. My mom wasn't happy to have her daughter turned into a son. Drew loved being the older brother to a sister, and even Omar loved having a daughter as a change from Drew." He chuckled, "I don't blame him for that, Drew's a piece of work."

Becky's eyes widened at how nonchalant Adam seemed to be talking about all this. How could he possibly be making jokes in the middle of such a heavy conversation? She knew her boyfriend was a natural comedian, but she thought he would at least have the decency to be serious at a time like this. "This isn't funny, Adam." She hissed.

"Sorry. I always end up doing that whenever I talk about this. It's making me a bit uncomfortable talking about this, actually."

"You don't have to tell me anything if it's making you uncomfortable, Adam." She said as she slipped her hand in his pocket to hold his.

"No, I want to." He caressed her fingers in his pocket, reassuring her. "I need to do this."

Becky tightened her grip, "Ok, but only if it's ok with you." Adam nodded, and it was enough for her to let him carry on.

"Before transferring to Degrassi, I wasn't exactly Adam yet. At the time, I knew who I was inside, but I was still confused about certain _technicalities_ with… my body. So I guess that was really the time when I started… thinking about doing things because— I confused my confusion for unhappiness. And then, when I finally realized what I was, it didn't exactly make anything worse or better." He paused, taking a deep breath, glad to feel Becky's hand still holding his tightly in his pocket. "Honestly, I was scared. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I mean, I still feel dysphoric from time to time, but the feeling's not as bad as it used to be. The way I felt did not match what showed on the outside. You can just imagine how much worse it got when I started to fight with my mind too. It was a time when I didn't feel like… a person at all."

Adam didn't realize he was crying until he felt Becky wipe his tears with her thumb using her other hand. He kept his head low, both hating the fact that he was looking weak in front of his girlfriend, and loving the fact that she was there to comfort him at the same time. He couldn't look her in the eye. He was just getting to the darker stuff, and he knew he wouldn't be able to continue if he saw her face.

Becky, on the other hand, tried her hardest to keep a strong front. She was usually the type of person who openly burst out in emotions when her feelings were even just a tiny bit triggered. Right now though, she knew Adam needed her to be strong, so she forced her tears to stay hidden, even if she wanted to cry from the overwhelming load the boy just poured out. So instead, she constantly rubbed circles on his hand to sooth his shaking form, hoping that it was enough to show him that she was still there and listening.

"There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed and have to deal with any of it. I didn't want to see myself, I didn't want to be a burden to my family, I didn't want to have to face the gangs of stupid kids at school; I just really didn't want to have anything to do with what my life consisted of. There were even days when I didn't want to wake up, because sleep was much better and I could be who I wanted to be in my dreams."

The more Adam spoke of his past, the harder it got for Becky keep a strong exterior. As she listened to him delving into further detail, she found it even more difficult to not breakdown herself. All she could do at this point was to try and keep her breathing leveled, but each time she exhaled, it came out in choppy bits.

"I guess everything just started piling up, and I never told anyone about the things swimming in my head. This is when I— I started thinking everyone was against me, that no one supported this crazy decision. But the thing is, it was never a decision, it was always me. People expected me to just turn off a switch and be _Gracie_ again, that _Adam_ was just a phase. So I did things. I did these things to myself because I didn't have anyone I could talk to about it."

Adam convulsed as he spoke, making Becky shift positions so she could wrap her free arm around his shoulders. The tears were now flowing out of her eyes too, abandoning the idea of holding it in. Adam still avoided her gaze, and she could understand why.

"I did those things because…" He rested his forehead on her shoulder. "My family still wasn't fully accepting of me, I didn't have any friends, and even my own mind was fighting against reality. I had so much internal anger and resentment, and I had to let it out somehow. I had to get the pain out. So… yeah. I did that." Adam kept his head on her body and continued speaking, "I hurt myself, and it's embarrassing to talk about it, or even be reminded of it. I hate the fact that I even got so low that I hurt myself, and the worst part is having to see reminders of it from the scars on my arm."

Becky was stuck. She had so many things she wanted to say, but was too afraid of saying the wrong thing. Instead of trying to say something and letting it be inappropriate, she detached her hand from his and wrapped Adam in a tight embrace. She needed to let him know that she was there for him. She needed to hold him, not just to comfort him, but to ease her own worries as well. She needed to know that he was still there, and that he was safe, and she needed him to never feel that way again.

"Adam, I… I'm so sorry" She whispered in his ear, repeatedly running the palm of her hand on the back of his neck in a soothing motion. She really didn't know what to say so she hoped her movements spoke enough.

They stayed in that position for a long time until Adam composed himself enough to speak. Becky stayed quiet, she kept her hold on him, and she waited patiently. It was all she could give at the moment and prayed that it was enough to let him know she loved him without having to say it because right now, she felt as if she wouldn't be able to speak properly.

"Earlier, when you said suicide is selfish, it hurt me because when people think of suicide, it's not done out of selfishness. It's the complete opposite actually. They think about it because they believe it will make other people's lives easier. At least that's what I was thinking the first and last time I seriously considered suicide. It was the weakest point of my life and…" Adam lifted his head off her shoulder to look at his girlfriend, who he now realized had a similar pained expression on her face. "I don't like talking about it because, it's not— it's not my proudest moment."

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit, Adam." Becky bit her lip, hoping she didn't say the wrong thing. "It's one of the things I love about you. People keep throwing things at you but you just… You let it pass and you're always smiling that big smile of yours, and you always try your hardest to make other people happy, and your radiance shines brighter than anything I've ever seen. I love everything that makes you, you."

She released her arms from around him, and took both of his hands in hers. She clasped their fingers and brought his hands up to her lips to kiss his fingers. She locked her eyes with his, silently acknowledging each other's presence.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I let my judgment get the best of me and I can't believe it affected you again. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I really wouldn't have said any of it if I knew. I didn't know it was that bad."

Adam shook his head and sniffled. "No, no. You didn't know. I just wanted you to understand. I thought that maybe if the situation was about someone you knew then—"

"You mean someone I _care_ about? Because even if it involved someone I knew, it would still mean differently than if it was someone I actually love." Becky slid across the bed to grab the tissue box and handed it to her boyfriend. She took one for herself and they wiped their tears together. "Thank you for telling me."

"Thank you for listening." He smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "Come to think of it, who knows what could have happened to me if Clare didn't stop me from hurting myself a couple years ago. Maybe... What if she didn't find me, I could have done it too. I could have been the Campbell Saunders of that year."

"And I never would have met you." She replied pensively. "There's no point thinking about that. Like you said, it's all in the past right?" Becky looked at her boyfriend's covered arms and wondered if she should ask her next question. He already told her so much, and she didn't want to push him, but she was curious. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course. Anything for you." He smiled, and she was glad that the mood in the room was changing to a more comfortable one.

"I… Can I see them?" She asked nervously.

Adam slowly rolled his sleeves up, gradually revealing thin and fading u-shaped marks on his arm. He hated looking at them. They were permanent reminders of a darker side of himself. But this was Becky. This was a girl whose heart was bigger than most of the people he's ever encountered. This was the girl who changed so much of herself to be with him. He trusted her and he knew she wouldn't hurt him.

"There really isn't much to see." He rubbed them with his other hand, showing her the scars yet trying to hide them still.

Becky took his hand away and traced the contours of each scar with her fingers. As her fingers ghosted his blemishes, she imagined herself erasing them with her touch. She imagined taking his pain away from him, and sharing what he felt when he harmed himself. Adam flinched at the unexpected touch. He wasn't used to anyone touching them, let alone be gentle with them.

"I don't know how I managed to not notice these before." Becky whispered.

"It's probably because you weren't looking for them."

"Did it hurt?" she asked, pulling his sleeves back down, sensing that he wanted to cover them again. She looked back up to his eyes, and noticed something new.

She saw vulnerability. It was at that moment Becky realized just how important this was for Adam. It was the first time he ever let her see that side of him and she was honored to be the one Adam chose to share this with. She realized that they were making big leaps in their relationship and they were doing just fine.

"Yeah. It was… I guess it hurt, yes. But it was relieving at the same time, you know. I'm not sure anymore. I haven't really thought about this in a really long time. It's just… With everything that happened with Campbell Saunders, for some reason everything came flooding back. Then you came and started saying things, and I got scared." He sighed. "I got scared that if you found out about me, that it might encourage you to leave... Or something."

"Adam, you should know by now that nothing in this world could ever make me want to leave you. You're too important to me."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"I don't know. Everything? For being you?" He gave her the widest smile his sickly self could muster, and she gave him one back, filled with just as much brightness.

Becky gently gave Adam another hug, before getting up and walking to his desk. She picked up the pills and the water. "Come on, you have to drink these now. You need to get better soon so you can take me on a back-to-school date."

Adam laughed and quickly obliged. His body then began to slump, letting him know just how exhausted he was. He kept forgetting that he was sick, and was glad that Becky was there to take care of him. The blonde noticed his body sway forward onto the bed, and told him to lie down. When she was just about to wrap his body into a blanket burrito, he held his arm up, motioning for her to lie with him under the covers. Becky was hesitant at first, but joined him anyway.

She laid her head on the shoulder of the arm that draped around her body while she wrapped an arm around his stomach, snuggling against his side, their legs weaving into a twist. She felt his breaths gradually even out on the top of her head, the position seeming to make him more relaxed. She melted into the embrace, enjoying the way she could automatically breathe in his scent. She closed her eyes to carefully store the feeling of their entwined bodies into a locked compartment in her memories.

As they lay peacefully together on his bed, many things started running through her mind. "Adam?"

"Hm?"

"I don't want to lose you." She said.

"Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." He replied.

Becky wasn't sure that he fully understood her statement. So she propped her head up to look at him and repeated, "No, Adam. I don't want to _lose_ _you_."

Adam still didn't quite understand which prompted Becky to elaborate.

"I don't want to lose you the same way the Matlin girl lost Campbell Saunders. I mean, if we break up, which is never going to happen by the way, but if it does, at least then I would know that there's still a chance of us getting back together because you will still be alive." She balled his shirt in her hand from anxiety. "But if you get taken away from me permanently…" Her tears were coming back, but she willed them to stay put. "I don't think I would be able to live knowing that we would never get to go to college together, and get married and have children, and grow old retire together, and be buried next to each other. Adam, I… I don't want to lose you. Ever."

He leaned in to kiss her forehead and wrapped both his arms around her tightly. "Becks, I'm still here. As long as you're here with me, as long as you keep me happy, that we keep each other happy, I'm not going _anywhere_. I refuse to go anywhere without you by my side. Got it?" He smiled.

Becky nodded, "Can you promise me something?"

"Sure, what is it?" Adam knew what was coming ahead.

"This is going to sound very selfish but, I want you to promise me that if you ever… feel that way again, or maybe you're not happy and you want to, you know…" She looks down at his arm unable to say the words, "I want you to promise me that you come and talk to me. I want to be there for you in… every way possible because— Because I don't think I would be able to handle it if I lost you for good. You changed my life for the better and I can't even imagine going through the rest of it without you here with me."

"Becky Baker, I promise that you'll be the first to know if something happens. But I also promise that it hasn't even crossed my mind ever since we got together. You make me a better person everyday. You saved me."

Becky smiled widely and nodded, confident that she had gotten the answer she expected. She let her head drop back on his chest and finally let the pooling tears drop on his shirt. She couldn't be any more content than this moment. She loved it. She loved them together, despite the number of obstacles constantly being thrown towards them. But for now, she just appreciated the calmness of their current position.

Becky held on to him, her grasp showing no signs of wanting to let go. This was the moment that she realized just how much she cared for this boy. She never wanted to let him go, and by the way he enveloped his arms around her, she knew he felt the same way.

**~.~.~.~**

**A/N:I hope this was good for you guys. I wanted to make it perfect. I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know!**

**Thank you for reading!  
Please Review!**

Next Beckdam Story: "Tolerated" Luke gives Adam his thoughts on his relationship with Becky.


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